Journal of Sacred Work

Caregivers have superpowers! Radical Loving Care illuminates the divine truth that caregiving is not just a job. It is Sacred Work.

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Personality must be accepted for what it is. You musn't mind that a poet is a drunk.  – Oscar Wilde

   More than a century after the great Oscar Wilde wrote the above line
have we yet learned that he was wrong? Educated people know, intellectually, that we
are all changeable.
SharonBegley-thumb7
   Now, science offers further proof that we are not doomed to be victims of our genetic programming – especially when it comes to personality.
   When Cathy Self, Mark Evans and I go about the country speaking to
hospitals about creating cultures of loving care, we often encounter
leaders and doctors who are stuck in Wilde's 19th century thinking.
"You can't change people," they say with a disdain born of ignorance.
   What we often advise is that human beings have highly changeable
behaviors based upon their environment. Leaders can create loving
cultures by how they hire, orient, train, and reward staff members. The
culture of our country is changing at this very moment as we anticipate
the arrival of a new President. Economic conditions affect our daily
behavior and attitude. How we are treated in various setting affects
our responses.
   Can people change? Of course. The truth is that we change and adapt every day.
   An article by Sharon Begley (above, left) in the December 1 edition of Newsweek magazine ("When DNA is Not Destiny")
offers additional proof that our personalities are no longer stuck in
genetic programing. Small children who appear shy "by nature" can be
gently and effectively encouraged to encounter other children on the
playground. As they do, they begin to leave some of their shyness
behind. They may still need more quiet time, but they are able to live
in society in a way that is more open and trusting. On the other hand, if they are
branded as "shy" and parents do nothing to attempt to alter this, they
will remain shy.
   Furthermore, and this is instructive for healthcare leaders, if parents attempt to bully their children out of shyness, they may create the opposite effect.
   What about personal decisions to change? Programs like Alcoholics
Anonymous teach that personal change is difficult but possible. Genetic
sensitivity to alcohol need not doom these individuals. Change will happen given 1) a personal decision to change, 2) a culture and
setting that support change.
   Science now reinforces what we have sensed for a long time. Loving
leadership can create a culture in which staff members actually change
their behavior as well as some of the thinking that underlies that
behavior. In this behavior change, loving behavior will emerge from
people who may previously have seemed burned out and cynical.
Individuals who refuse to adapt to this change are likely to leave the
organization. Gradually, change emerges as Love finds a setting where
she can flourish.
   Each of us has the power to nurture Loving cultures in all of the
settings we inhabit – whether they involve a short encounter in a store
or the extended encounters of family or work setting. Underneath all of this is the core question: Should we try to change others? I believe the answer is no. Instead, the best we can do is to open ourselves to Love's energy. Each day, we face this challenge anew. Each moment, we face the temptation to take easier paths that end up leading to worse places. As Maya Angelou writes: "Love costs all we are and will ever be. But, it is only love that sets us free."
   What do you think?

-Erie Chapman

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3 responses to “Day 337 – Can We “Change” Other People?”

  1. Edwin Loftin Avatar
    Edwin Loftin

    The contagion is at our disposal. Each of us have the opportunity, no responsibility, to spread the infectious nature of a loving and healing environment.
    The analogy of change was taught to me by my father, a farmer. There is much about the “success” of a crop in which we have no control. The amount of rain, the timing of the first freeze, the occasional hail storm. If as farmers we focus on this then we are great predictors of future outcomes. Or, as in the case of Loving Leadership, we can focus on the aspects of the crop we can influence. We can choose the best seed, we can thoughtfully till the soil and add the right nutrients. We can be vigilent in the growth stages and weed out intrusions who can take away the energy of our crop. And very importantly we can utilize some of our best crop to generate the next genreation of Loving Leaders.
    So, I challenge myself and each of us to be intentianal and vigilent farmers of Loving Leadership.

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  2. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    On a day when my contributions seem so small in comparison to what is needed, it helps to read today’s inspiring message and respond to the challenge that Ed offers to each of us. It helps to remember that it is in small things that I can begin anew, with each breath, each thought, and with all my intention, I can choose to share Love’s energy.
    What comes to mind is a wonderful story called “Changing the Face of the Mountain.” Perhaps, I can find this story and post it.
    May Love’s energy continue to expand out from this Journal to bless the hearts of many.

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  3. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    Changing the Face of the Mountain
    Once upon a time, in a remote, unfriendly village that clung to the side of a mountain, there lived an old woman whose habits seemed strange to her neighbors. Since the harsh winters kept most villagers huddled near their fireplaces, they did not cultivate the art of hospitality, and rarely spoke to anyone outside their immediate families.
    The mountainside, itself bleak and barren, beckoned no one toward its slopes, even in the less harsh seasons of the year. Only the children ventured to climb, ever so stealthily, partway up its side; a daring feat that they were cautioned not to do by their parents.
    During such furtive forays, they inevitably met the old woman. Most of the time she was bending over, digging a little hole in the ground, and dropping a tiny something into it. The braver children asked: “what are you doing, old woman?” Her reply was always the same: “I am changing the face of the mountain.”
    The children grew into adulthood, and most left the village for the world of cities. It came to pass, however, after several decades, one grown child returned to show her husband and children the harsh environment of her youth that she had often described to them. She came back but she did not recognize it.
    The mountainside was ablaze with a dazzling array of colorful flowers gently swaying in the breeze. Clusters of bushes and young trees lent their foliage as shade to the myriads of children and adults gathered along the base of the mountain. All spoke to each other, laughed and played games. Families and neighbors picnicked together.
    The woman who had returned stopped one of the villagers to ask: “When did all of this come about? What happened to the bleak and barren mountainside of my childhood?” The villager replied: “Do you remember the strange old woman who lived here, the one who would wander up and down the mountainside?” It was she who planted these seeds. She went out every day, intent on her sowing; believing all the while the results would fruit.”
    The woman did recall the image of this old and bent figure from her childhood. At last, she understood the meaning of these words: “I am changing the face of the mountain.”

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