Journal of Sacred Work

Every caregiver encounters them. "Bedpan throwers," are a great test to professionalism.

Is it similar for parents with an "unruly" child? Problem children suck an enormous amount of family energy. The following sounds common but is unusually dramatic. 

Nearly six decades ago, two of our oldest friends introduced us to their beautiful children, "James" and "Johnny." James grew up well-behaved and successful. Johnny? A nightmare. 

Johnny became a drug addict. Horrified, his parents poured enormous resources into interventions and professional help.

They continued to flood both sons with love. Especially Johnny because, as his mom said, "He seemed to need so much more love while James was fine."

Across decades, Johnny whiplashed in and out of rehab and jail. Like the father in "The Prodigal Son," they forgave but tried to be firm. 

Al-Anon advised, "Keep your prodigal son at a loving distance." But, Johnny had a fatal gift: huge charm.

One Christmas Eve, he showed up unexpectedly. "I'm so sorry, mom and dad. May I join you?"

Swallowing hard, both parents said, "No." Yet, Johnny's charm prevailed. They had a happy evening.

Christmas' dawn delivered a shock. Johnny had stolen one of their cars and all their credit cards. 

One afternoon, the nightmare reached a conclusion. When Johnny's mom drove to check on him he was dead of a drug overdose.

Long before, Johnny's mother had found peace through a crucial understanding. "I forgave Johnny repeatedly. But, I could not forgive myself," she says, "until one day I realized: "Blame blocks forgiveness for me as well as him."

When a caregiver stops blaming a patient, a co-worker or anyone else, relief flows both way.  

-Erie Chapman

Painting: "The Prodigal Son," Pompeo Batoni, 1773