Journal of Sacred Work

To emphathize, you recall within yourself a time when you felt even a particle or thread of what another person now seems to feel. With that beginnning, you continue to listen carefully with your heart…coming as close as you can to appreciating what his or her experience is like. You don’t try to duplicate it within you – you just stay with it, fathoming it as well as you can.  -The Art of Being a Healing Presence – James E. Miller with Susan C. Cutshall

   A colleague and friend of mine has a ten-year old daughter. Recently, she came to him and said, "Daddy, I think I’m too dumb and too fat."

   What does a father say? It requires empathy to know how to respond to heart-breaking comments like this. But how does a man in his forties empathize with the feelings of a ten-year old girl? What we know is true is that the more he can empathize, the more likely he is to come up with a good answer.

   An unthinking answer goes like this: "Stop feeling that way. You’re not dumb and you’re not fat." This answer denies the person’s feelings and doesn’t help resolve them…

   Equally foolish is the comment blurted out by so many people when someone shares their personal pain: "I know exactly how you feel!" None of us knows exactly how another person feels and to say so is unempathetic and denies the uniqueness of the pain the other is experiencing. As Miller and Cutshall say, we don’t have to try and duplicate someone else’s feelings in order to be empathetic.

   So how do we become present to another?

   Haven’t all of us felt dumb or the wrong weight or experienced some other feeling of self-doubt at some time in our lives? Certainly, my friend has. And that’s the feeling he had to get in touch with in order to help. 

   What we all want in situations like that is to have people empathize with how hard it is to feel inadequate. Of course, my friend’s daughter isn’t dumb and, at ten, she does not have a weight problem. But what if she did? The solution won’t come from stern parental warnings. It will more likely flow from kindness and empathy. Here’s roughly what my friend said to his daughter:

Dad: Do you believe in being kind to other people?

Daughter: Yes. Of course.

Dad: Then what about being kind to yourself?

   Accusing ourselves of deficiencies doesn’t solve them. Worse, self-cruelty may make it harder for us to empathize with others. If we judge ourselves harshly, we are more likely to pass harsh judgment on others. What if I had a weight problem and I beat myself up about it emotionally? I go on a diet. Now, how do I look at someone else with an apparent weight problem. Suddenly, I may find myself passing judgment on them just as I did on myself. After all, I’ve lost weight, why haven’t they?

   Assume, on the other hand, that what I really have is a self esteem problem and, accordingly, I eat more food to try and fill my emotional void. Of course, the food generates only a temporary feeling of comfort, perhaps fooling me into thinking that the more food I eat, the less inadequate I will feel.

   If I can learn to be kinder in my self-talk, however, there is a greater chance my self-esteem will improve. My eating problem may then begin to resolve through the practice of self-kindness.

   This is the theory and its not hard to understand. Clearly, reversing a lifetime of negative self-talk is far more difficult. Caregivers need to prioritize this personal change because kindness to self enables us to better give our hearts to others during their need – and to help them to practice self-kindness.

   Reach out with empathy to someone today. There is someone you will (or can choose to) encounter today who would love to have your understanding and your kindness. Take the opportunity to practice empathy with them. Listen with your eyes rather then judge with your mind. You don’t need to say you know how they feel, all you need to say are things like, "that must be so hard." Mostly, though, you can offer the warmth of your presence.

   And remember the words of a father to his daughter. If you believe in being kind to others, start with yourself!

Reflective Practice:

1. During your meditation, reflect on some of the kind things you’ve done for others.
2. Remember that you are a child of God, touched by the Divine Spark. This is not an egocentric thing to say or think, it is a lovely truth that carries a beautiful responsibility with it to let love flow through you.
3. Again: Remember to reach out with empathy to someone today. Take the opportunity to practice empathy with them. Listen rather then judge. Unwrap for them your gift of love.