I’ve been surprised, recently, to rediscover the degree to which our lives are defined by our relationships not to people, but to groups. We start life in the context of family. Soon, we determine who we are in the milieu of neighborhoods, schools, teams. Churches, temples or synagogues may further describe for us how (or even whether) we are accepted by God. And, of course, our jobs are a daily signal to us of who we are.
Psychologists might tell us that none of these groups should define us. Instead, we need to define ourselves with enough strength to be able to survive being shunned from a group or fired from a job. But it’s a rare person who can experience, unscathed, the rejection of a group that has felt important.
To what degree do you feel your life is defined by the groups of which you are a part? If you were rejected by any one of your groups, how well do you think you would respond? Click on "Comment" below, to share your thoughts…
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3 responses to “Open Forum – Group Relationships”
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I’m thinking about my experience with three different church families during my life. I always experience a sense of “coming home” when I attend the church I grew up in. Folks know me and are happy to see me. In my early 30s I was a member of a large congregation. It was the smaller group within the larger congregation that nurtured and cared for me. Even though I’ve not lived there for almost 10 years, I still have contact and am nutured and care for by folks at that church. My most recent experience is where I felt the rejection. The church was fairly small, tight knit, and a relatively young church (approximately 35 years old). While I appreciated the theology and the focus on social justice, with a few exceptions, I never felt cared for or nutured there. It is a wonderful church, yet I never felt like I belonged.
To answer your question, all three of these church experiences help define me. But I am struck that becoming more my authentic self is the stronger outcome of my participation with these groups.LikeLike
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If I am to give an honest answer to these intriguing questions, then I must acknowledge that belonging, feeling connected, and in relationship to others is very important to me. This takes me back to a childhood incident that had a big impact. I grew up with my cousin Geraldine. She was smarter; a faster reader, could run swifter, throw a football farther, and excelled in every way. One summer afternoon all of us neighborhood kids were playing and Geraldine and I both wanted to be leader of the group. Everyone decided to follow Geraldine and I went home rejected and hurt. That entire summer I was out of the group, so I read all the Nancy Drew books in the series, and then I read Jane Eyre, (which I thought, was wonderful.) It is strange how this one incident colored my self-perceptions. Thereafter, I often hesitated and waited to be invited in. I found I waited a long time, and missed allot of opportunities, life was safe and bland. These days time is too precious and I am willing to risk and embrace a more impassioned way of living in relationship with others (thank goodness.)
I was 15 when my family moved to Vermont and in my first year of high school. I found myself falling in with a small group of students who did not join in the schools activities; our commonality was not feeling like we really fit in. So I guess I missed out on memorable times but we managed to create quite a few of our own. I have to say these 4 women are still very dear friends that I see each year on my visit home.
In times past, my experience of church was exclusionary and that kept me away. Presently, I am part of a church that welcomes all and I find participating in a Loving faith community an enriching experience. Personally, I would find it extremely painful if excluded. I don’t think we can stand in judgment of others. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.” John 8:1–11
I watched a fascinating old black and white movie called, “Fountainhead,” the book is by Ann Rand. Gary Cooper plays the part of Howard Rourk an architect who will not conform to society but lives only by his truth, his own creative voice. He was shunned and paid a high price to remain true to his spirit and his sense of integrity. This is an excellent film that speaks to your subject matter and one that I highly recommend. Has anyone seen it?LikeLike
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So much of what I do is who I am. There are no clear lines at times, just blending. Much earlier in my life I was not accepted. As a result , for 20 plus years I always did more than was necessary to prove my capabilities. I was measured by my appearance of 335 lbs, never my passion for what I did, my detail to following through or my compassion during the process. Although I look different I still feel like her in may ways. Being shunned has been part of my daily life. It prevents me from going forward. The great part, my love for the Lord and remembering above all I am his child. Yes I have scares, deep wounds from being mistreated. I try very hard to treat that very person with the most love and forgiveness I can. I am not a saint, I have to vent occasionally, but these are real days with real rejections. We must stay strong, rely on Gods hands being carved to carry just each of us through that moment, know we will grow, and pray He will give us the strenth not to pass that trait on to others. Here is to a blessed accepting life that we may be seen as His light that others might follow
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