Journal of Sacred Work

Caregivers have superpowers! Radical Loving Care illuminates the divine truth that caregiving is not just a job. It is Sacred Work.

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Former President & CEO of multiple hospital systems and founding president & CEO of 20-hospital OhioHealth, best selling author, film artist, ordained minister, composer, published poet, syndicated T.V. host, trial attorney, federal prosecutor and Municipal Court Judge. Erie is internationally known as the founder of the Radical Loving Care(R)movement. He also heads Erie Chapman Foundation, Dane Dakota Productions, LLC, and Chapman Health International, Inc.

Recent Posts

About

Former President & CEO of multiple hospital systems and founding president & CEO of 20-hospital OhioHealth, best selling author, film artist, ordained minister, composer, published poet, syndicated T.V. host, trial attorney, federal prosecutor and Municipal Court Judge. Erie is internationally known as the founder of the Radical Loving Care(R)movement. He also heads Erie Chapman Foundation, Dane Dakota Productions, LLC, and Chapman Health International, Inc.

Day 141 – Compassionate Communication :-)

Nonviolent_com
   Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs.  – Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. – Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life

   Gradually, I’ve come to discover that successful emails can only carry two tones. The first tone is positive. We’re all happy to receive affirming messages. The second is neutral. Emails that carry a neutral tone are useful for transactional work such as setting up meetings or sending data.
   What rarely works are emails that criticize. No matter how many smiley faces we attach to the end of the sentences (I do this all the time) bad news does not travel well on the internet . Emails may be the reason for the invention of the 🙂 emoticon as we struggle to soften words we think may be misinterpreted. Dr. Rosenberg does a beautiful job of explaining communication in his powerful book. His teaching can transform our lives as caregivers…

Compassion_cartoon
   Imagine if each of us, as caregivers, could reinterpret the anger of the person in front of us? What if we realized anger is a feeling expressed by someone who is signaling something they need rather than trying to hammer us personally? When we attack people for being angry, Rosenberg suggests, we are failing to hear what they need.
   Neither is it enough, he indicates, for us to say, "I need for you to stop being angry." What we are truly seeking is caring relationships. 
   What is the core of caring relationships? It is our humanity. What each of us needs is to be treated as humans. What happens far too often is that we objectify others. Objectification is a tool of efficiency, not of humanity. Oddly, when we are dealing with humans instead of things, Love is more likely to create efficiency than is force.
   The teaching involved in the new movement around Compassionate Communication is both simple and complex. The idea is simple: communicate with others in ways that honor humanity. The practice is complex because it calls us to re-evaluate life long patterns. In our old patterns, we may react to countless communications by taking them personally. We may experience hurt feelings when the other person had no such intention. Our own anger may assume things that are false.
   Compassionate communication is a core element in the practice of Radical Loving Care. How do we want to be heard? How are we doing hearing others? How we answer these questions can advance our own practice of Living Love.

-Erie Chapman

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3 responses to “Day 141 – Compassionate Communication :-)”

  1. Karen York Avatar
    Karen York

    Communication in any form is wrought with difficulties – difficulties in explaining clearly what I intend to get across, difficulties in being always politically correct, difficulties in understanding what is trying to be conveyed. I wonder if there was a committee or a book to help people in the days of the telegraph. I am picturing scenes from old westerns where there is the guy tap tap tapping on one end and the guy writing out the message on the other. No time or space for sparing or caring about feelings and interpretations. (What is the Morse Code for the smiley face anyway?) Maybe we’ve evolved in our methods of communication, but the heart of the matter remains the same. Compassionate conversation is more than my saying what I need (which is always difficult) but hearing under the words of the other what they need as well. Thank you for this intriguing topic. I need to spend more time in reflection about my communication practices.

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  2. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    Interesting image of the telegraph tap, tap, tapping, Karen. I enjoyed that.
    Funny, I recently purchased Rosenberg’s book but I have not read it yet. If we can approach conflict or a person who is angry with a desire to understand they have an unmet need it may help defuse a defensive reaction. E-mail is fantastic in connecting people from around the world but it does not hold a candle to in person communication. I agree conflicts are best handled in human-to-human communication versus an e-mail.
    The written word can lend itself to expressions on a deeper level. Some find it easier to convey their feelings and emotions in writing rather than verbally (I do.) This week, my friend John received a beautiful 12-page letter from his sister. She shared many memories of growing up together and of unspoken feelings. These expressions of love are so healing and are helping to create acceptance, readiness, and peace as John prepares to leave this world. I can’t help wonder why it is that we create so many barriers between ourselves and the people we love. Yet, when death is near they all melt away and we are left with only what matters. I asked my friend Peggy last night what she thought. She reckoned it because we are basically selfish. I guess self-preservation is coded into our DNA but equally powerful is Love’s longing for union.
    I believe that if we can live in awakened awareness of death we would live each day very differently, we would live Love.

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  3. Yvonne Ginez-Gonzales Avatar
    Yvonne Ginez-Gonzales

    I had the opportunity early this morning to read today’s posting, however, was unable to post until tonight. So I had the opportunity to think about what I would post later on in the day. Today’s posting touched on the issue of emails and how some peoples interpretations to messages can be mixed and yet I have found that there is another form of technological communication that is often used very frequently where the message(s) may not always be received as what was possibly intended. The technology I am talking about is “conference calls.” As my day was moving along I realized that in my immediate environment the utilization of conference call communication is often the choice of communicating; when people that need to meet cannot meet by the traditional set a meeting agenda and everyone that needs to be there, is there in person. I believe this type of meeting can often lead to misinterpretations and or deliver false impressions of all of those involved from different locations. I would like to share a recent experience with you where it was quite evident how this type of communication can be so easily available and yet the outcomes not always in line with what was intended:
    I sat in on a conference call, as a silent participant, with Lisa our DON for a local charity organization that she is a part of. It was a meeting of everyone involved in the planning of their annual conference. A funding issue had surfaced and their primary speaker who is a well known physician in the area of hospice care could not be contracted. The Association was hoping to have him speak. However, at this time the association was also downsizing a little and letting some positions go. Therefore, the planning committee thought it would be inappropriate to pay out a large amount of money to retain this speaker for about an hour. I sensed some disappointment (in the silence, but unable to see peoples actual expression) in the committee as each were expressing how impressive he is and how it would really add to their conference. As the meeting went on and discussion of who would now fill that spot took place, I sensed some of the participants to be a little frustrated as there were faint sounds of sighs, like “what are we going to do now”, or when asked for alternative ideas there was a lack of participation (noted by silence). As I sat there listening, there were occasional looks from Lisa to me like “did you get that?”, because it was hard to hear sometimes, and no way to see peoples non-verbal expressions or responses. Overall, I have to admit that having a conference call with even a small group of about 4 or 5 people can pose some challenges and questions of true responses. If those that are participating don’t have face to connect to the voice, I believe can it can take some of the personalization out of the communication process. I feel that you can miss out a lot on those very important sometimes non-verbal cues, and or miss people’s non-verbal sense of uncertainty when a voice is sounding one way and you don’t have the expression to put with it. I think it is important to note that I respect and advocate for the possibilities and potentials of any type of technology that can better a service to at least be able to connect multiple people at one time, and afford those that cannot be present in person an opportunity to have a voice. However, until audio and visual technology can be provided in every location for a conference call meeting, maybe having picture of whom I am talking to can at least provide some substitution for better communication. Finally, I will close by personally stating that I still prefer the traditional get together and meet in person meeting. ;0)

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