Journal of Sacred Work

4 responses to “Days 343-344 – Live Like You Were Dying?”

1. 

   Karen York

   December 8, 2008

   I wonder if we have the capacity to forgive without being engaged by love? God’s gift and command to us is to love one another. I can’t imagine where I would be today without forgiveness being extended to me by so many people along the way…alone and bitter. Perhaps the same answer comes when we refuse to open our hurts and extend forgiveness to others…we end up alone and bitter.

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2. 

   Victoria Facey

   December 8, 2008

   I believe we hold grudges because we’re human and when some things happen to us, if we are not prepared with little (if any) time to react, we become defensive and therein lies the grudge.
   For years I held a grudge against my first husband; he had deserted our only child after our divorce and she to this day still bears the scars and bitterness. He moved on and lived the way he wanted to without responsibility. However, over time I came to recognize that without him, my daughter would not exist.
   I no longer carry the pain, grudges and ill feelings I used to have. I only wish I could say the same for my daughter.

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3. 

   ~liz Wessel

   December 8, 2008

   Forgiveness is a concept worth contemplating as it holds the key to peace and opens the door to living well. Karen, there is much truth in what you say. Some hurts run very deep and leave scars. Yet, forgiveness cleanses our hearts like a fresh rain and enables us to heal from the inside out. Victoria I appreciate your honest sharing and your ability to forgive and keep your heart open.
   “The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel, and misrepresentation.” C. Northcoat Parkinson
   Communication, honest sharing, and confronting issues can be so difficult for most of us. I think on some subconscious level addressing conflict brings up feelings of fear and punishment from our childhood days and so we avoid it. I read a recent study that looked at patient safety and the root causes of medical mistakes in hospitals. The researchers found that clinicians (nurses and doctors) often kept silent even though they observed colleagues make mistakes. Often people worked around the incompetent person and would let issues go unresolved for a long time. Clinicians avoided confronting misbehavior as well. Disrespect was one the main reasons people wanted to leave their jobs. However, about 10% of clinicians had the right interpersonal skills to confront concerns and they had improved patient outcomes, patient safety, retention, and job satisfaction. The researchers concluded that helping others to learn key communications skills was critical in reducing medical errors. We need to create a safe environment for people to talk through concerns. Too often, people attack others and point blame. I find when these negative behaviors are directed at me it is very stressful, depletes creative energy, and I can get stuck in unhealthy patterns of avoidance. I find helps to focus on the process versus personalizing the situation.
   Still with all my learning and years of experience working with people I still find it difficult to address conflict. I believe choosing a Loving response creates enough safety for people to let down defenses for real communication to occur. I think it begins by letting go of a win lose mentality. Choosing a Loving response means that I do not need to be right as much as I need to focus on what matters, our relationship.
   On wings of forgiveness
   Sailing across eternity
   Light’s radiant embrace
   Tenderly heals
   Restoring life

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4. 

   Julia Claire Wessel

   December 11, 2008

   I’m not a grudge holder. This may sound a little nuts to people who know me because I’m still a little ticked at my ex-husband (though that is greatly reduced lately), quite angry with most of the members of my family of origin, and a few other individuals from many years ago. So, how can I not be holding a grudge? The problem for me is that some acts just keep on giving and some people just keep on doing things that cause pain for me. Over and over and over again. Usually, I get angry, I get over it pretty quickly, they do something else, I get angry, I’m over it, repeat ad nauseum. I haven’t figured out the trick to dealing with that yet. For the most part, I just try to see things from the other person’s view point which helps to a great degree and I try to just not get angry in the first place. Even when I forgive and move on, if a person does something hurtful in the future, it will remind me of what they did in the past and I get angry all over again. Is that really just a form of holding a grudge? I think really the person I’ve had the hardest time not holding a grudge against is myself. Partly because I’ve done things to be angry about and partly because I don’t hold a grudge and then get burned again many, many times. I’ve actually tried to hold a grudge once. I’ve actively tried. I’ll tell myself “this person has really screwed you! You need to remember this awful thing so they can never do something like this to you again”. So I try, and all that happens is that I just get the ugliest feelings inside from trying so hard to stay angry. Eventually, I just let it go because it wasn’t worth all the negativity and energy to try to keep this anger at the forefront of my mind. This has certainly exposed me to a great deal more painful interactions with some people, but it has also allowed the door to remain open to the possibility of a mended relationship. I may not be able to preserve a defensive wall, but I am able to preserve my inner self. I have a quick, hot temper, but it is gone just as fast as it comes and that allows me so much more happiness inside than my lame attempts at trying to stay angry and closed off. It seems like it’s a decision to try to protect your feelings and just eat yourself up and feel bad anyways or to leave yourself open to further pain but to at least enjoy every other moment with yourself.
   While anger in general is a weak spot in my life, I am definitely glad that it doesn’t just sit and fester and build a big, grumpy grudge.
   Thanks for everyone’s comments on getting over things. I always like to hear how people manage the rough stuff.

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