"Grief is a window to God." – Dr. Bruce Vaughn
At a funeral awhile back, I overheard a woman say to one of the aggrieved, "There, there, you'll be okay. You'll get over it." It's a common statement following a death, whether in a hospital or in some other setting. We don't like to see survivors suffer so we look for ways to comfort them, to help them out of their grief.
Should we be doing that? Dr. Vaughn, a therapist, has suggested, in recent remarks to pastoral counselors, that grief is an expression of "love in the absence of the beloved." Someone dear to us has passed away from us. Our love continues. One way we show our love is by grieving. There is no need to make grief go away. It is fine for us to continue grieving, perhaps in a different way, long after our loved one had passed away.
My father died in 1995. Barely a day passes that I don't think of him and grieve his absence in this world. His life and mine were deeply woven together. It turns out that is still true. I hear his voice (in fact, I often mimic it with my siblings) and I can recall so many of his stories and instructions. In many important ways, he is still present.
My grief may not express itself in tears. Yet, most recollections of him are accompanied by the pangs of absence. Anyone who has "lost" someone has had the same experience with someone that has passed away from this earth.
The advantage of Dr. Vaughn's insights are that he may be helping us to rethink our notions of grief. Perhaps, we need to spend less time grieving the loss of patients or family and more time seeking to re-imagine our grief as an expression of God's Love. This means eventually letting go of grief which may paralyze us at the beginning. After that, we can begin to shape a way of honoring the departed in ways that may or may not include tears. But, if tears come, they can be welcomed instead of brushed away. After all, our love for others is always tinged with some kind of exquisite pain that lives alongside the joy we feel for the life we have jhad with them.
Are these thoughts about grief helpful to you as a caregiver?
-Erie Chapman
Journal of Sacred Work 
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