Journal of Sacred Work

    "In my soul, I can't tell you how dark it is, how painful, how terrible — I feel like refusing God."- Mother Theresa, at left, from her journal.

   Among those whose lives we admire, there can be few whose light shined more brightly than that of the late Mother Theresa. Yet, the doubts this saintly woman entertained and the darkness she felt in her soul were so great that she considered "refusing God" and reportedly received an exorcism in a hospital.

   Americans revere the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. as one of our own saints. Still, FBI records reportedly show he engaged in affairs and plagiarized portions of his PhD thesis.

   Lovers of God need to understand Love, how it is practiced in healthcare settings, and how it is not. Public examples can lead to our private, and more personal, understanding of Love.

   We are vessels of Love. But, Love is perfect and we are not.

   The list of flawed behavior is endless among the rich, famous and powerful as it is among the rest of us. Recent additions to the "sin list" of those with publicized flaws includes John Edwards, Tiger Woods, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and endless numbers of movie stars, rock stars, star athletes, ministers, doctors, judges, lawyers and star politicians, most of whom (in America) claim to be (and may actually be) Christians.

   A church may excommunicate us. A group may shun us. A hospital or hospice or nursing home may fire us for making a mistake. But, God's Love for us is constant and unshakable.

   What are we to make of flaws exhibited by those who so eloquently proclaim their belief in God's Love, and who also practice it on many occasions? What are we to do with loving caregivers who occasionally make mistakes?

   Can genius level performance (or saintly caregiving) gain us forgiveness? How else are we to explain the incredible adulation for Michael Jackson who most people believe was afflicted with a serious case of pedophilia?

   For caregivers who aren't so famous there is a crucial lesson we can learn while passing judgment on the mistakes of the well-known. From Mother Theresa through Martin Luther King and all the way to Woods, Edwards and Spitzer, each of these has done sacred work in their lives. They literally lived moments when Love traveled through them so profoundly that the lives of millions were improved.

   Where did they go wrong? A recent book suggests that John Edwards was a man to be deeply admired until 2004. It was then, according to his top aid Andrew Young, that his trouble began. Edwards fell victim to the original sin of pride. Young says that Edwards began to believe his own press, that he began to believe he had been chosen by God to be President. Believing this, he felt the rules of the world no longer applied to him. Maybe, like millions of others, he created his own rules. After all, so many leaders before him had set examples of rule-breaking, from former Presidents John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, to former President Bill Clinton.   

   It's remarkable how often we act self-righteous about others behavior while refusing to look into the mirror. As a hospital CEO on a far smaller stage than any of the above, I often found myself thinking I was pretty special – like the mayor of a town of ten thousand who has the odd power to fire anybody in the town. Adulation, even if it comes from those on a payroll, has a way of seducing us into living pride instead of Love.

   In any case, I am regularly accused of not practicing the Love I so often preach and write about. Typically, my accusers are correct.

   I don't know how to completely escape errors of pride and ego. We all try. Excuses are never legitimate, but explanations can help. And there is always the hope of forgiveness and redemption.

    As for the corrosive effects of judgment, we've all played a strange game at one time or another. It's called "Whose Sin is the Worst?" Was Edwards betrayal of his wife worse than Woods serial affairs? Did Elliot Spitzer's relationship with a prostitute cancel out his powerful accomplishments as an Attorney General who fought hard and sometimes successfully to root out Wall Street corruption?

   This game is generally played so that we may secretly discern if we think our hidden sins are better or worse than others and, if worse, how we can go about hiding them from our friends. In any case, the game is inconsistent with Love just as judgment is negative while discernment can be necessary.

   For caregivers, the salvation is in how we serve. When we do that well, perhaps we can be forgiven for the occasional lapses common to all humans. Indeed, the more self-righteous some people seem to be about the misdeeds of others, the more I wonder about the "logs" in their own eyes.

   There is truth to the wisdom of accepting our flaws as caregivers even as we don't condone our mistakes. King, Edwards and Woods – all men of great gifts. Leaders and caregivers with gifts of their own know that sometimes the greater the gift, the deeper the shadows that live on the other side.

   This is what Mother Theresa discovered when she wrote: "Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. Love — the word — it brings nothing,"

   She's right. The word Love can mean very little. For caregivers living Love means everything.

   God is always in love with us. We are Love's creation. So, God is always in us, around us, and ever present. 

   Much as she loved God, Mother Theresa, like all of us (and like Jesus) sometimes found herself trapped in the dark cave of doubt. Loving caregivers know this lonely cave. That Theresa's faith triumphed, that others who have erred have found strength to once again receive God's Love, may give us just the hope we need to love God, to love others, and to love ourselves.