Journal of Sacred Work

"Sister Aloysius: Sister James… 
 Sister James: What is it, Sister? 
 Sister Aloysius: [crying] I have doubts. I have such doubts."  – Last lines from the movie, Doubt

   In the incredibly popular movie, "Doubt" (and the play of the same name) the central question seems to be guilt. Who is responsible for an act of wrongdoing? But the movie's power rests not in guilt, but in the doubt that drenches both the characters and the audience.

   What is striking about the last piece of dialogue in the movie (above) is that throughout the film, Sister Aloysius has been the picture of certainty. Finally, we discover that, after all, she has "such doubts." In other words, behind her cold facade she is as human as the rest of us.

   Is doubt the heart of spiritual suffering?

   Mother Theresa's diaries reveal that this great saint of our time was plagued with doubt – doubts about her work and doubts about God. Why would this woman of such apparent faith suffer in such a way?

   Perhaps the greatest President in American history, Abraham Lincoln, was hounded by doubts throughout the Civil War. His life and death decisions affected hundreds of thousands and,ultimately, millions. He asked himself over and over whether he made the right decisions.

   A nurse climbs into her car to head home. As she travels the road, doubts from the day linger: Did she give exactly the right dose of medication to the patient in Room 453? Did the surgeon's patient really need that hysterectomy?

   Doubt threads through all our lives. Some think doubt lives at the core of spiritual suffering. Most think the answer is simply to have faith.

   If this is so, then why do so many have to constantly tell themselves "God will provide." If this is true, what's the need for repeating it and why do we have to pray about it all the time? It is because, for most of us, our faith is fragile.

   It does no good to tell ourselves we just have to have faith. Faith doesn't arrive by orders we give to ourselves or others.

   Faith comes through surrender to God's Love – complete surrender. But, the human condition blocks surrender. We try to let go and find we can't…at least, completely.

   Can we really trust that God's Love will protect us, we ask? The answer is both yes and no. God's Love will always enfold us when we open to it. But, Love does not shield us from pain. To love is to know pain.

   So what is answer to the ancient question of our spiritual suffering? I have my own reply, but it doesn't always bring comfort.

   I don't think we can cure our "suffering" or eliminate our doubt through plain reason. Instead, the only answer I know is to focus on relieving not our own suffering but that of others.

   When we focus on living Love by helping others we know we have let Love flow to where it is needed. Whether we personally gain relief is no longer the question because our focus is on the other, not on ourselves.

   The great theologian, Soren Kierkegaard advised that the best path to God was not through reason, Instead, he said, each of us must take a "leap of faith."  

   It's a tough choice to take this leap and even tougher to sustain our decision. Perhaps, that is why faith is so elusive and why doubt is so pervasive in our lives.

   Doubt is the root of fear. Love is the sun that illuminates every shadow. Love's sun shines when we reach out to help those we know are suffering. Sometimes, our loving caregiving is so successful the light of Love is reflected back into our own hearts – especially when we are not expecting it.

-Rev. Erie Chapman