Journal of Sacred Work

"…the essence of love is not to use the other to make us happy but to serve and affirm the one(s) we love." – Robert A. Johnson

   "Tell me a magic story that makes me happy," my little granddaughter asked me. 

   We all know this "magic" story. It starts with "Once upon a time" and ends with "…happily ever after."

   Some part of me wishes I could create such a life story for her. But, that kind of half-toned world would rob her of the rich colors of the full spectrum of humanity.

   Adults can tell each other happy stories. But, we can't make each other happy for long unless we understand what it means to Love.

   I have a heck of a time getting this straight. Romance naturally brings joy so why avoid it?

   Indeed, perhaps Johnson's analysis is so against human nature as to be unrealistic. His quote underscores how difficult it is to practice what we know is true. How do we let go of our desire to use the world to make us happy as opposed to affirming life with gratitude?

   It's in our nature, enshrined as a right in the American Constitution, to pursue happiness. Is Johnson trying to tell us we are wrong?

   Who can resist the rapture that ensues when Cupid's love-tipped arrow releases euphoria?

   Yet I know that my humanity erodes if I objectify any kind of relationship. Seeking to remake the one we love into our idea of perfection is, by definition, a doomed pursuit.

 "Jan" told me recently that she had "completely fallen in love" with her role as a caregiver in a large organization. Wonderful as this story is, it holds a warning.

   The punishing angels of idealization and perfectionism lurk within. What if Jan super-imposes her personal fantasy onto her calling? What if she tries to convert her mission into an object of her happiness?

  Falling in love with the idea of the "perfect" job or the "perfect" person is easy. Staying in love requires so much more of us.  

   Caregiver fatigue resembles the exhaustion of lovers whose relationship is grounded solely in romance. Radical Love is made of stronger stuff.

   Unless it matures into Love, romance will fall victim to impossible expectations. Only Love can survive the doses of anger, impatience and disappointment certain to appear in any long relationship.   

   Our most sacred life encounters, the ones where we stay in Love, are the ones where the fragile fabric of infatuation is woven with respect, friendship, laughter, listening, endurance and the sure knowledge that Love never owns. It can only celebrate the other.

-Erie Chapman

Photograph – Fantasy Series 1a copyright erie chapman 2011