The difference between the right word and the nearly right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. – Mark Twain
After Judy was diagnosed with breast cancer she cried. Her tears burned a path to situational depression.
In addition, Judy found her type of cancer embarrassing. She resolved to let people know she had it but asked family not to say what kind – simply that it was curable.
But, after her mastectomy Judy faced encounters she later described as “worse than the depression.”
Her first visitor plopped down on Judy’s bed & embraced her failing to notice that Judy was too fragile to have her bed jarred & too uncomfortable to be hugged.
The next friend also hugged her immediately bumping against Judy's still tender chest.
Visitor after visitor asked, “What kind of cancer is it?” When Judy mentioned she would rather not say one looked offended sputtering, “Well! I was just trying to show concern!”
Judy said that even when her brother, who knew her diagnosis, entered the room he immediately looked down at her breasts. “I guess he was trying to figure out which one was missing,” she said.
Well-intentioned people often worsen suffering with insensitive comments. Loving people act from love, not curiosity.
Long experience as a hospital CEO (& now pastor) has taught me a few of the right (& wrong) words.
The Wrong Words
1) Do not ask the patient about their illness. Why do you need to know? Is it so you can broadcast your friend’s diagnosis?
Similarly, do not ask the prognosis!
The patient will tell you what they want you to know. Do not make things worse by being nosey.
2) Do not share your stories about everyone you know that has had cancer. The patient’s experience is unique. Offer advice only with permission.
3) Do not say, “I understand how you feel.” Even if you have had cancer, Judy’s experience is personal to her. Telling her you understand demeans her experience.
The Right Words
What can you say? As little as possible. Your main role is to be present not to talk.
1) The Golden Rule: Put yourself in the patient’s position. What would you like to hear? The Silver Rule: The patient may not want to hear the same things you would.
2) Compassion Not Pity. Signal your compassion with loving presence. Pity language is, “I feel so sorry for you.” Instead, try, “This must be so hard.” Or, “I admire you & your courage.” And, best of all, “I love you.”
3) Thoughts & Prayers? Rhonda, a breast cancer survivor told me what helped her was people saying she was in their thoughts. Praying for someone is fine if you are certain they want that.
4) Acts: Acts are often better than words. Run errands, offer child care, bring food.
These same suggestions work for anyone who is vulnerable. The right words from you can harm or heal.
If you find this article helpful pass it along.
-Reverend Erie Chapman
Photoart – "Patient Resting" – by Erie
Journal of Sacred Work 
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