Journal of Sacred Work

Caregivers have superpowers! Radical Loving Care illuminates the divine truth that caregiving is not just a job. It is Sacred Work.

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Former President and CEO of multiple hospital systems and founding president/CEO of 20-hospital OhioHealth, best selling author, film artist, ordained minister, composer, published poet, syndicated T.V. host, trial attorney, federal prosecutor and Municipal Court Judge. Erie is internationally known as the founder of the Radical Loving Care(R)movement. He also heads Erie Chapman Foundation, Dane Dakota Productions, LLC, and Chapman Health International, Inc.

Recent Posts

About

Former President and CEO of multiple hospital systems and founding president/CEO of 20-hospital OhioHealth, best selling author, film artist, ordained minister, composer, published poet, syndicated T.V. host, trial attorney, federal prosecutor and Municipal Court Judge. Erie is internationally known as the founder of the Radical Loving Care(R)movement. He also heads Erie Chapman Foundation, Dane Dakota Productions, LLC, and Chapman Health International, Inc.

Days 340-344 – The Crying Room

  No Crying 2 It was the part of the worship service where prayers are offered for friends of the recently deceased. Two of the departed were listed. 

   Every church offers such rituals. But I was startled by words directly below: "…feel free to use the crying room under the Narthex" the program read. 

   New to Woodmont Christian Church, I was impressed. "What a sensitive thing. This church offers a grieving space!" Feeling sad, I imagined immediate use. 

   Speed reading has a drawback. The sentence began: "If your infant becomes upset during service,…" 

   Infants only. Darn it!

   There are private places for tears, of course. But is no supportive invitation or ritual protection (except Jerusalem's "Wailing Wall.")

   Men are terrible at tears. Evolutionary? Hard for Neanderthal males to fend off Sabertooth Tigers while bawling. 

   The message comes early. "No crying. Be a big boy!" 

   Amid anger or depression, I am often told by women, "It's okay to cry. Go ahead."

   Instead, tears avoid my eyes. Unshed, they burn my throat.  It is a Socratic syllogism. Male=Strength. Tears=weakness. Since I am male, no crying.

   The women's baseball film,  A League of Their Own, reinforces this. When a team member (Madonna) cries, the coach (Tom Hanks) shouts, "There's no crying in baseball!"   

   Right. Baseball is for men. 

   Yes. Tears can be out of place. Surgeons are barred from fear-tears mid-surgery. So are other caregivers if crying disturbs performance.  

   Tears would be helpful from professionals as sympathy with a loss. That is rare. 

   Men can cry at funerals, right? After his middle daughter's sudden death at thirty-six, my physician father-in-law cried his eyes out. It was disgusting to overhear a fellow male mutter, "Gee. Dr. Lokvam is losing it." No one said that about his wife or other daughters. 

   My father-in-law had not "lost it." He had found it. The mourner highlighted his weakness not Dr. Lokvam's. 

   Do men need a crying room? I am not holding my breath. This problem will remain until we honor tears regardless of sex. 

   Meanwhile, I may volunteer to comfort infants in the crying room. 

-Erie Chapman

Screen Shot from "A League of Their Own"

     

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3 responses to “Days 340-344 – The Crying Room”

  1. Liz Wessel Avatar
    Liz Wessel

    So many thoughts are flurrying through my mind in response to your reflection, Erie, one that reveals some all to true observations. As many of our societal norms are changing, I hope this attitude towards expressing emotion (as weakness) will as well. A reframe on this, is that being vulnerable takes courage and is actually a strength.
    Early on in the pandemic we lost a caregiver to COVID and we gathered the team (virtually) to tell them the tragic news. I became overcome with emotion as I shared some thoughts. As the time of sharing unfolded, I felt embarrassed and apology and shame for being emotional. Then our leader offered support that I will never forget, when he afiirmed/normalized the expereince of sharing vulnerabily.It is in a community of caring that we are strengthened.
    During the pandemic so many caregivers/leaders have had to push past their tears, to keep moving forward in order to care for others. Yet, the pandemic has been so prolonged that we realize the importance of pausing and providing a safe space for caregivers to come together (virtual sessions) to express their , wide range of emotions and grief to honor our losses, offer comfort and hopefully to heal.
    May we hold one another in a field of loving, unconditional regard and acceptance acknowledging our pain and suffering with recognition of our shared humanity.

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  2. Erie Chapman Foundation Avatar
    Erie Chapman Foundation

    Thanks so much, Liz. With you all the way and very grateful for your comments.
    Thanks also for sharing the story of your loving reaction to the loss of a fellow caregiver. I am actually surprised – not that you cried but that you felt “embarrassed” apologetic and even experienced shame. If you, as a caring and loving woman felt this way can you imagine how men feel? YOU would be supportive but other men? Maybe not so much.
    So glad you had a helpful leader but note again. It is a man. Did he cry? Have you seen that from him in other settings?
    The problem is that men say they are okay but when it’s men only company that is less common. There are narrow exceptions but the predominant view remains: Men tend to look down on other men in most “crying” situations. Maybe you can explore that with your group and please be sure and include men in the discussion:-):-)

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  3. Liz Wessel Avatar
    Liz Wessel

    Thanks Erie, I so appreciate your insights. Yes, hard for women and much harder for men!!!! Thank you for bringing this concern into the limelight.

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