Journal of Sacred Work

   Invited to photograph dancers at an audition, I found myself judging the performers even though I was not the casting director.

    As each hopeful awaited their music cue some looked nervous. Auditions suggest judging & judging raises that awful specter called Rejection. If we were always our best selves, no practice would be needed. If we truly trusted our God within it would be nice, but not necessary, to have others' approval. 

   Auditioning is innate. Does not an infant begin "performing" the moment they discover behaviors that serve them? Smiling done for approval signals that auditioning has begun. 

   Every job I wanted required an audition before I was "cast." Dating is an audition process. Think of the tryouts you went through to become a professional caregiver? To live successfully in society we routinely pursue one thing: acceptance. Approval from others of our okay-ness.

   Early in my hospital leadership I visited a doctor who had become a patient. He was lying in bed wearing scrubs. 

   "Hey, I don't want to look like a patient," he told me with a chuckle.

   The doctor was auditioning because he knew what we know: A patient gown is demeaning. Maybe his doctor costume would protect him.

   It was an early signal that what patients & caregivers need from leaders is an environment where both were honored. What an uphill campaign! 

   We are told, "You don't need to 'perform.' I care for you as you are." 

   But life is flooded with judgments. Depression's onset in the late 1990s taught that gloominess is off-putting. I had to pretend "normal" or find myself alone. 

   Naturally, discernment & evaluation are necessary disciplines. What I love about the God of my understanding is that Love is patient, kind & forgiving. Does realizing that mean I can stop auditioning?

-Erie Chapman

Photograph: "The Audition" Erie Chapman, 2022