Journal of Sacred Work

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Former President & CEO of multiple hospital systems and founding president & CEO of 20-hospital OhioHealth, best selling author, film artist, ordained minister, composer, published poet, syndicated T.V. host, trial attorney, federal prosecutor and Municipal Court Judge. Erie is internationally known as the founder of the Radical Loving Care(R)movement. He also heads Erie Chapman Foundation, Dane Dakota Productions, LLC, and Chapman Health International, Inc.

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Day 77 – Bidding for Relationships

March 18, 2009

[The following meditation was written by Rev. Jerald Smith, Chaplain at Parrish Medical Center in Titusville, Florida]

“Through some moment of beauty or
pain, some sudden turning of our lives, we catch glimmers of at least
what the saints are blinded by…” (Frederick Buechner, Listening To Your Life, p.
169)

My first experience at an auction
was as a boy at the Bradford County fair in Starke, Florida. The auctioneer was
selling steers that had been raised by kids in the Future Farmers of America
(FFA). I remember thinking how foreign the language sounded and wondering how
anyone could spit words out so quickly. He called for bids, acknowledged bids
and challenged the bidders to ante up higher and higher until he said
“Sold!”

In their book, The
Relationship Cure , authors John Gottman and Joan DeClaire talk about
relational bids. These are efforts to connect with others. We all make them,
these bids, with a look, a smile, a greeting or a comment that invites others to
connect with us. Dr. Gottman speaks about three possible responses to bids and
the differences those responses can make in a relationship. Take the simple
question, “Would you like to have dinner with me?” Turning toward looks like this. “I’d love to,
thanks.” Or, “That’s a nice invitation, but I can’t. I have to get home to my
boyfriend.” Turning away is illustrated by, “No. Sorry, I’m busy.” And turning
against by, “No, I’m cleaning the lint out of my dryer tonight.”(p. 55)

The different responses show
varying levels of regard toward the other. Turning toward shows a highly
positive regard. Turning away is less positive and bordering on indifference.
Turning against is negative and moving toward hostility.

Dr. Gottman’s research with
hundreds of married couples revealed that in couples headed for divorce, men
turned away or against their spouse’s bids 82% of the time and women did so 50%
of the time. In happily married couples the numbers were 19% of the time for men
and 14% of the time for women (p. 4). Dr. Gottman observed that when people
received consistently negative responses to their bids, they quickly gave up
trying and the relationship deteriorated rapidly.

This bidding process doesn’t just
happen between couples. We make bids and
receive bids from co-workers too. Patients bid for caregivers’ attention with
call lights, questions and facial expressions.

Right now, somewhere, someone is
making a bid to you, bidding for your attention or care. Which response will you
choose?

Posted in Meditations

8 responses to “Day 77 – Bidding for Relationships”

Edwin Loftin

March 18, 2009

I choose to turn towards with presence. And I now ask my friends and colleagues to remind me when I hesitate.

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~liz Wessel

March 18, 2009

Gerald,
I appreciate your sharing these teachings as I certainly learned something new. This concept heightens my awareness of how my responses can affect my relationships. Often we do not see the immediate consequences of our choices in life but over time, there is a significant cumulative effect. Honestly, the image of bidding; of something bought and sold, correlated to our affections is a hard one for me to embrace. Yet, unfortunately, it is perhaps a realistic one common in our world. Often we approach others, and view relationships as I want something you have, someone takes, someone loses. Recent Journal reflections have highlighted a perfect Love that casts out all fear. In moments of awakening, we catch glimmers of a Love that is whole, that extends out without expectation of something in return.
My comments are not intended as criticism; they are only my own musings as we deepen our exploration. Thank you Gerald, I have a new appreciation of the dynamics of Turning toward, away, and against, and the impact on relationships.

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Jerald Smith

March 18, 2009

Liz,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and taking the time to reflect and comment on it. I may not have done Dr. Gottman justice in my introduction and explanation. His point was that in relationships one bids in the sense of invites another to connect. Largely positive responses, or “turning toward”, furthers the sense of connection between the two and the relationship deepens. One of the many things I liked about the book is that it raised my awareness as to how attuned we humans are to the “invitations” of others and how our chosen responses can encourage connection or shut it down. Thanks again for your comments and for your healing heart.

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~liz Wessel

March 18, 2009

Thanks gerald, this is very helpful. I appreciate your openess to dialogue and your kindness!
~liz

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Victoria Facey

March 18, 2009

Gerald, I also thank you for bringing this subject to my attention. In the quick moment we take to respond to someone’s suggestion or invitation, our actions leave their mark. I will try to keep this top of mind the next time I’m approached with an invitation so that I can take it in and respond in a caring way. Often, I don’t stop to revisit my response and how it related to the owner.
There have been times when I’ve received a call, or been stopped in the hall by someone who wanted a moment or support, but because I was rushed or engaged by the task I had at the time, I gave little attention to their approach. And, being on the other side of this scenario, I can remember wondering if the person I approached heard exactly what I said, or entertained the subject I brought to them. I’ve even wondered if I chose the right person to approach!
Looking forward, my hope is that we all take the time to be there for, and with the persons we care for.

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~liz Wessel

March 21, 2009

Jerald,
My deepest apologies for not only misspelling your name but then not capitalizing it. Please forgive me. Gosh, I hope you see this. I may ask Erie to pass this message along to you.
With Warmest Regard,
~liz

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Jerald Smith

March 24, 2009

Liz,
Think nothing of it. My mother set me up for this! I often tell people that if they are trying to offend me, they will have to work harder.
Peace

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~liz Wessel

March 27, 2009

Laugh, 🙂 thanks Jerald!
And to you…

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